GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
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Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
The worst thing about having poison ivy on my face is that I can’t shave.
The second worst thing is people asking me what kind of craft beer I make.
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
Good point.
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?