People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
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Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
Cool shirt 🙂
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.