My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
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Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
Just a friendly reminder!
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol