Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
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I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
One time, a guy flirtatiously asked me what my deepest darkest secret was, and I told him I was working on a shot by shot remake of the first Star Wars film reenacted by my cats called, “A Mew Hope”.
Anyway he didn’t call.
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
After our fifth kid, I had a vasectomy but it didn’t work. I’m still a father.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
Saw your ex at the shops
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.