Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
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The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?