[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
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Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
Am getting real tired of your crap…
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
Why is no one talking about this?!
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.