Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
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daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
I’m aging like a fine banana
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.