Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
You Might Also Like
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]