Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
You Might Also Like
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
The police never think its as funny as you do.
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.