How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
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I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
My boss called in sick of me
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.