So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
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FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks