You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
You Might Also Like
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.