My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
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A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?