I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
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JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
That stupid look on my face, is my face
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
🤣🤣🤣
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.