*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
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I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.