Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
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[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
No parenting book prepares you to answer the question, “Does Lightning McQueen have car insurance or life insurance?”
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.