Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.
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Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.