Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
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buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
I got soap in my shower beer again.
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.