Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
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Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve