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I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin