In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
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people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
Möther may I have a snäck
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁