a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
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That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Life with a cat in one tweet
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.