It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
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Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.