Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
You Might Also Like
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet
(by @ZachWeiner )
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.