There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
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ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something