Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
You Might Also Like
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
Folks ask me if I ever get tired of putting smiles on the faces of kids and their families in my job as a theme park mascot and my answer is always the same: God yes, are there any openings where you work?
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.