The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
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Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
I have many caverns
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
Last-minute gift idea!
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.