“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
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Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
This is a bad sign
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.