you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
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If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane