Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
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I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.