Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
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The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
Chemical wingman
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
Has anyone ever died from waiting for a group of people to decide what they want to eat.
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.