God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
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I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
No point crayon over spilled milk.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
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