It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
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[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
🙋♀️
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.