If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
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You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
The Compass
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
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*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”