When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
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So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
Social Media and Real life
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.