I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
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I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
is this a warning or an offer?
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?