I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
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*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
Jogging has never helped my memory.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker.