My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
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No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”