I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
You Might Also Like
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
I’d hang this in my house.
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
The swamp creature from the haunted lagoon?
Nope just me back from the gym
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
In Canada they just call them geese
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist