DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
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my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
A dead goose is called a ghoost
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
Merica.
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.