“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
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If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.