It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
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Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
The most important meal of the day is the next one
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat