me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
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Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.