request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
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hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
Twitter fine art
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
What is going on? 😅
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?