ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
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When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
my name if I was in the mob
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
The news in a nutshell.
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.