Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
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my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry