I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
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why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.