i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
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person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
this could fix me
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.