Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
You Might Also Like
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
stop
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.