[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
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*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
When your man makes a valid point
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix